How To Come Out Ahead Calorically on a Popsicle, in 8 Steps

1) Offer to go to store to pick up canning ingredients for wife, to save her some time

2) Set bag of groceries -- including ad hoc box of popsicles -- on passenger seat, reaching across to start car and get the A/C running

3) Lock self out of car because it's not smart enough to know driver's not in it

They aren't even unhealthy popsicles for fuck's sake

4) Call wife from grocery employee's phone because own phone is in locked car

5) Worry that wife won't listen to voicemail because she regularly screens calls from unknown numbers

6) Walk home, missing wife who did in fact get the voicemail

7) Message her from iPad when returning home, to have her come back home to reunite car, driver, groceries, and phone

8) Finally get home, eat popsicle to replace fluids and burned calories from walking home

Estimated calories burned during brisk, hot one mile walk: 130

Calories in popsicle: 60

I'm having another popsicle, shit.