Project Runway: At least it wasn't the FIRST Olympics

If I'm extra bitchy this morning, it's because my car got towed for the second time this week. Yes, it's my fault for being absent-minded and lazy. Does that mean I'm going to be a ray of sunshine? Probably not.

The first target of my wrath is that goddamn Olsen Twin Elle cover. I don't want to see the thing one more time. I fear that we'll be seeing it all season, unless a new issue released somewhere during filming.

This season sure is shaping up to be a big sloppy kiss good-bye to New York. Tim takes the kids out on another field trip around town, this time by van. They arrive at the Armory Track and Field Center, and see that graceful wintry god, Apolo Ohno, come gliding toward them on the track. We probably could have guessed; it's an Olympic-themed challenge. Jerell's female wrestler phobia is staved off for another week.

I have to say, I was worried the designers were going to have to design track suits. That would have been ultra boring. Instead, the challenge will be to create a look for the female half of the US Olympic Team to wear during the Opening Ceremonies. Not that they'll be wearing them or anything, since Ralph Lauren designed this year's actual outfits. This is a just-for-funsies challenge.

Oh, and I was absolutely correct that this challenge would be a crucible of cultural ignorance. The doofosity kicks off right away, with wee Daniel indicating that he's never, never, ever seen the Olympics. Never. Not even, like, a picture. Everyone clasp your hands together and cackle; it's gonna be a trainwreck.

After a tour of the on-site Olympic museum to gather inspiration (my fiancee coined the joke in the title, saying "use the first Olympics!"), the designers head back to start brainstorming. And dood, Joe is SO FIRED UP about this challenge. SPORTS RULE. I'M STRAIGHT. SHOCKN' Y'ALL. USA! USA! USA!

Another Keith-related non-issue happens at Mood, where it appears he may have ganked Terri's cloth (heh, I promise I won't use that one again). Big deal. Give it some screen time if you think it's important.

The workroom gives us more character insight, and some irritating occurrences. The first irritating occurrence is that Blayne is actually amusing. He's been sort of likeable so far; his weak voice in the back seat of the van, matter-of-factly explaining that he prefers to tan every other day...almost kind of precious in its lameness. But when they get back, Blayne busts out the line he had to have been working on for the whole day. He declares that he's an Olympic-level tanner, but that the medals only go up to 'bronze'. Okay, yes, that's pretty funny. Dammit!

Joe will be the best designer Wal-Mart has ever corralled. His skort is immediately lessened by his use of the word 'skort' so many times. Terri is blessed with a Christian-esque level of productivity, as she is working on pants, a shirt, a jacket, and a scarf. Whoa.

The two worst things a person can do to Joe, however, are 1) laugh and make jokes, and 2) thread and use a sewing machine that he has used at some point in the past. Daniel and Kenley are committing the former, and it's actually pissing a lot of people off! What's the deal? No Fun Zone? As for the thread, Joe's...well, Joe doesn't like queens. And there's a boarding school queen riding his thread right now! Well I never!

Jennifer's going girly-girl anime-caucasian, and it doesn't bode well. Tim thinks it's both matronly and juniors. Now that's surreal! Stella's doing her thing, too--namely, all black. "There's a lotta bikers in this country that watch the Olympics." Sure, Stella. That doesn't mean the whole friggin' team has to dress like 'em.

Tim's commentary is unfortunately brief this week, but we learn that mixing two colors of zipper is somehow really witty and creative. What am I missing? We also find out that Blayne is as much an idjit as we suspected he was. His only awareness of The Beatles is Across the Universe...and not the song. Blayne also criticizes Jerell's too-tight and very antebellum look as "Titanic." Y'know, 1870's vs 1910's...same difference.

Daniel's looking superhero-y...and purple. Kenley's using the same shade in her fabric, but she's breaking it up a bit. And Korto. Dear Korto. Born in a foreign, slightly impoverished nation? Forced to flee internecine violence? Trying to live the dream in America? Why, that personal story is just touching enough to get you eliminated up in this network.

With that lovely moment behind us, we arrive at runway show day. A day that sees Jerell wake up and suddenly realize the nature of the competition: "I woke up this morning and realized that one by one, they all must fall. Except me." Whoa! Is that how this works?

Let us then move to the "What the hell is Jerell wearing? A Depression-era Boy Scout uniform? World War I doughboy? Robin Hood??" edition of RUNWAY THOUGHTS:
  • Korto: A little bland, but all-white does it for some people. Well-made.
  • Suede: Cute, but the top is super boring.
  • Kelli: 50's housewife. Stewardess. Something. Blech.
  • Joe: He doesn't think it's retro, but I see 1950-1969. Looks like a Gemini rocket.
  • Leanne: Nice work on the neck flourish.
  • Daniel: Couldn't be more purple. Fiancee points out Daniel's wearing a purple shirt, probably to try to make his dress look more blue by comparison.
  • Jerell: Nothing makes me feel more patriotic than the Grand Old Flag, seven lavender stripes, six navy stripes, and a hell of a lot of stars.
  • Stella: Notes: God, no.
  • Keith: Too bubbly at the bottom. Flashbacks of Season 2's Angela! Ugh.
  • Terri: Tube top looks too tight (of course, she had to put a knee in her model's back to close it up, so...).
  • Jennifer: Nothing "Olympic" about it. It's The Buckle.
  • Blayne: Retro space cadet. Appropriate.
  • Kenley: Very Kenley, but that "blue" is still purple, even in plaid. And no red!

Korto, Joe, Daniel, Jerell, Terri, and Jennifer will stand judgment. Blayne and Stella continue to skate. The good three are pretty clear from the start. Only Stella seems like a clear miss on the judges' parts, but her stuff is at least well-made.

Terri dug the blazer look from the old photos, and her work on the jacket is great. Apolo likes the color combos, and Nina thinks the whole thing is versatile and smart. It's the most everyday wearable piece up there, and Michael likes the sportswear aspect. On the other side of the spectrum is Joe, who was the only one to really go all-in with the athletic look. Again, acclaim for the zippers. Really, what am I missing?? The skirt part of the skort is too long, but it's generally well done. Korto's all-white gamble appears to pay off, as Nina finds it very chic. Apolo thinks it looks comfortable and functional. None of this appears to impress Korto, who offers a bland "thank you Apolo." Wake up! They like it!

The three uglies all feature the same complaint: there's nothing in the looks that says "Olympics," "athletics," or, in general, "good." Jennifer, Nina remarks, can't separate her girly style from the substance of the challenge. Daniel's purple t-shirt plan backfires, as the judges all agree he used purple fabric. His "striking blue and striking red" doesn't say "USA," either. What a tool. At least Jerell's crazy look showed that he's got some ideas, even if none of them are appropriate for the challenge. It's a costume, the judges remark, but not an Olympic costume.

I would like to add that I have never seen a bigger crew of Weepy Weepersons than this bunch of designers. They're crying about every single damn thing that happens. I'd hate to see them watch Bambi.

At this point, my mom called, and I missed some of the commentary, but the right person won. Terri's safe for making a great sportswear look that maybe didn't emphasize the "sports-" part of that word. Joe's safe for a very straightfoward athletic look that had some dimension problems. Korto's blend of sporty and fashionable, however, takes the day. Winner!

Jerell's an obvious safe for his creativity, and that leaves Boarding School Olympic-phobe Daniel and Somnambulism Is Not Surrealism Jennifer. The ultimate loser, for creating once again a completely boring, forgettable, and low degree of difficulty look, is Jennifer. Now, with Jennifer and Emily gone, the two sets of twins are broken up! But really, Jennifer. Do you even know what "surrealism" is? And why is everyone crying??

A team challenge to dress Brooke Shields (don't take that wrong, Brooke. We love curves) seems to be on the horizon. Vigilance!