Project Runway: Green is the new, well, green.

I came into this episode of Project Runway 15 minutes late, so I guess it's appropriate that it took me 5 days to get the recap up. I took a mental health vacation on Thursday and Friday, and was out of town for the weekend, and just didn't feel like sitting at the computer.

This episode begins with the usual 2nd-ep model swap, and Jerell is all salty 'cause someone took his model. He better get used to it. We learn, in short order, that this challenge will see the models work as clients, and they'll even get to choose the fabric and general feel of the cocktail dress look. That fabric, it turns out, will be green.

No, not green like Kayne's splatter-painted paper dress. Green like every other damn thing is nowadays--environmentally friendly. Unless you count sight pollution as environmentally unfriendly, because there will definitely be some of that tonight.

The models prove to be no more eloquent than the majority of the designers, and Jerell is justifiably worried that they'll all come back with "remnants of nonsense." Wasn't that a Strawberry Alarm Clock song? Regardless of how the models do, Suede wants to (predictably) "put a little Suede into" his model's look. Someone needs to tell him suede ain't green.

Blayne adds "-licious" to about fifteen new things tonight, and someone let a very drowsy Iggy Pop compete in this challe--oh, wait, that's just Stella. In this competition, seriously, she's a waste of space. Even if it is mildly entertaining to see Blayne and the other designers mock her audibly for her leathery desires. At least everyone's getting tired of character-y shtick this year; no one's got much patience for Suede's third personing.

Oh, hey, this is a design competition. Korto's exoskeleton of darting seems to bewilder Tim, but Korto just plugs on with her constant references to being African (yes, we remember from last week's introductions). Suede's look is reminiscent of Mumm-Ra the Everliving in electrical tape, as he cuts his model's fabric into thin strips and wraps them around her torso. But wouldn't you know it; by the time he nears the end of competition, it's actually starting to work.

Wesley and Leanne are stuck working with a very temperamental swath of brown satin (temperamental as all satin is), and things do not progress well with them. As they stitch on, Tim informs the crew that there will be no immunity granted this week, but that instead, Bluefly.com will produce and sell the winning look. The guest judge for such a challenge will be a young and glamorous Hollywood star that they'll meet later. I'm guessing Suri Cruise.

This bunch of designers has to be the scrambliest, least efficient crew on PR yet. I can't have been warped by Christian's furious fingers this much, can I? There's a ton of work they all have to do as the clock hits midnight, and the goal was to be done by then. Wesley's fit is godawful; things aren't looking good. But the whole bunch is kind of embarrassing themselves with the amount of work they have to do.

Amazingly, they all manage to finish (more or less) by the runway show. At the runway, we finally meet the guest judge: star of stage and screen, Natalie Portman. My fiancee accuses me of having indecent thoughts about Ms. Portman, and her comment was "well, this certainly works out well for you!" Anyway, THOUGHTS!
  • Keith: Okay, but fit is questionable. A little baggy.
  • Terri: Again, I love her look. My notes read, "winner."
  • Wesley: Notes: "Ugh."
  • Jerell: Did he use human hair for the fringes? Too damn short, too damn crazy.
  • Jennifer: Cute, but not cocktail.
  • Daniel: Nice babydoll look, safe.
  • Joe: Great fit, seaming seemed invisible to my eyes.
  • Suede: Interesting visual, but is it too "ballerina"?
  • Kenley: Not bad, but very "Christian".
  • Kelli: Tight, boring.
  • Leanne: Notes: "Yeah, no."
  • Stella: Again, so short! Nothing special.
  • Blayne: Problems with fit.
  • Emily: Okay, is this a cocktail party challenge, or a naughty maid challenge? Short as hell, definitely unfulfilled promise.
  • Korto: Interesting. Maybe not a winner, but certainly safe.

Kenley, Wesley, Stella, Korto, Suede, and Leanne are held back for judging. The rest are safe. Again, I totally flub it on Terri. Is it just me, readers? Is she getting the shaft, or fair treatment?

During judging, we learn that everybody dug Kenley's look, and Tim's comment about the striking look of the belt saving the design is supported by the judges. Wesley took an amount of fabric he was uncomfortable with, and worked it within an inch of its life. Nina calls "tight and short" "the quickest way to look cheap." Ow.

Stella marks a significant improvement over Week 1, with nice lacing and a strong self-statement while still sticking to her model's wishes. As for the outer darts Tim warned Korto against...well, the judges say it best: "even curvy girls don't want fins off their butt."

The most universal and vocal praise is saved for Everyone's Favorite Third Person, Suede. Natalie likes it. Nina likes it. If Heidi were ten years younger, she'd wear it (oh Heidi, you don't have to worry about looking old for a good couple decades yet). Michael likes that he used satin completely differently from everyone else who had it. Such as Leanne, whose model did nothing to salvage what was another overwrought, underlong brown satin turd. Natalie's best compliment is that, combined with the hair, it's got a certain cute Peter Pan quality. Not a strong contender.

My guesses were Suede FTW and Leanne to depart. Both Leanne and Korto are showing signs of impeding Early Season Emotional Breakdownitis as we head to a commercial break that features some creative math. The circled winner of the poll (between most "crazy!" designer tendencies or characteristics) had 37% of the vote, while second place held down...47%? I've heard of "less is more," but this is ridiculous.

With Stella safe, Suede takes the prize over Kenley. Suede gives props to his mom. Meanwhile, his mom is somewhere asking, "Who the hell's 'Suede'?" Korto is also safe, and completes her triple lutz breakdown in the waiting room. That leaves the two brown streaks racing to the bottom, and the ultimate loser is...Wesley?!? But Natalie really liked his little bowtie dealie! Huh. Oh well. At least this way, we get more top-notch weepiness, as Leanne consoles Wesley in the waiting room, crying "I can't imagine you not being here!" on his shoulder. Sheesh. It's been two friggin' days.

Stay tuned next week uh, later, this week for a field trip in rainslicks with Tim, and an unfortunate "Carmen Miranda moment" that cannot bode well for Korto. "My veggies!!" Vigilance!